Video Version

Transcript:

This one is for the dominants out there, and I need you to listen up because this one’s going to really help clear something up that you may very well be struggling with.

As the dominant, we want to be in charge of everything. We want to take care of things. That is how we’re built.

We call the shots. We make the decisions. We’re the ones in control.

Now, some people would say that makes us just control maniacs. And there may be some truth to that, but reality is we like to lead. We like to direct. That is how we’re built.

But what happens when the world around you becomes so chaotic and takes so much of your energy that you don’t have a lot of energy left to give in a lot of places.

It is very natural for those who are in submission to you to want to help.

They want to be there for you. They want to help accomplish the things that you need to do.

Now, I don’t know about you, but for as much as I do love service-oriented submission, it can be hard to accept.

I know for me sometimes I struggle with this mindset or this thought process of using them in a negative way. And I never want to be somebody that just uses somebody else. That’s not how I’m built. So, when they want to help and they want to do things in service to me, I struggle sometimes with that.

And when my energy is low, when my mental capacity is drained and I am in like a bit of withdrawal… a little bit more of that conservation of my own energy… I know I need help with things. I know I need that help to accomplish other aspects of my life. And it becomes very hard to allow those in service to me to do that.

Now, I am very aware that there could just be some bullheaded pride in play, and that’s… I don’t think that’s very uncommon at all for most of us on that top side of things. I think we’re quite proud.

But if we allow our pride to get in the way of not getting the help we need, we’re doing everybody a disservice. And we’re quite frankly stealing opportunity from our submissive partners to do the very thing they want to do which is serve and please.

Now this is a struggle I have dealt with for my entire journey in this lifestyle.

I have struggled with this point of… how do I allow them to do these things for me without me feeling like I am now taking advantage of them, because again I never want to feel like I’m doing that. Add to that mix the real reality that in some ways they want to be used and it can get quite complex, no doubt.

So, the reality of what I want to point out in this very short and very simple episode today is that when you find yourself in that place where you need the help, you know it, you can feel it… your energy is just off for whatever reason… you know you need the help… Don’t be afraid to ask for it.

Let them serve.

Let them step into that role.

It will actually strengthen your dynamic more than you realize because you’re not showing a sign of weakness. You’re actually showing a sign of humanity. And it’s important that they see that in you as well. They need to see that you are still human.

And they need to see that when you are struggling somewhere along the way, they can step in and help support you in everything you’re trying to do. It makes them feel incredibly special to do that.

So, if you’re struggling with this, if you’re fighting, pushing past your own pride and allowing this to happen, take it from somebody that understands that and just let it happen for a little bit.

Try it.

See how it works because you might just be amazed at the impact it makes for yourself, for your partner, but then also in the dynamic that you are creating.

This can be an incredibly powerful shift that benefits everybody involved.

Thanks for hanging out and I hope that you’ll subscribe.

Make sure you leave any comments and a little bit of love for the podcast and we will catch you in the next one.

Thanks for tuning in to the Deeper Podcast. I hope that you not only enjoyed the episode, but maybe something new jumped out at you. Hopefully, something that changed your perspective and maybe has you thinking a bit more. I’d love to hear from you. If you have comments, show ideas, or questions, please check out the show website at deeperwithred.com, click on the feedback tab, and send a message there. You also find other episodes, related materials, and even ways to show your fan support right there on the website. So, we’ll see you there. Until next time, whenever or wherever you can, go deeper.

Podcast Episode hosted by Red

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In this heartfelt episode of Deeper With Red, Red reflects on the devastating impact of a recent hurricane on Asheville, North Carolina, and connects it to the broader theme of rebuilding after life's unexpected setbacks.

Red shares personal experiences and insights on the importance of self-assessment, planning, and finding courage to start over, whether it's in relationships, work, or personal growth.

Video Version

Transcript:

Welcome back to the Deeper With Red podcast. My name is Red. I am your show host and today my heart is heavy.

I don’t know if you’ve been watching the news or paying attention to what’s going on. I’m sure you’ve seen, the big hurricane that came through recently has devastated many parts of the Southeast. One area in particular has been very hard hit in ways that nobody imagined.

Uh, Asheville, North Carolina, which is one of my favorite places. I absolutely love that town. I love going and visiting. I try and get there as often as I can. It’s one of my favorite places to hop on the bike and go and just get away and just chill, just kind of get away from it all. Soak in the energy, enjoy the vibe. And it’s one of my favorite places.

I was supposed to go actually this coming week, uh, just to get away. I was gonna be at my vacation, get away from everything, recharge. And then the storm hit and just brought utter chaos.

The flooding has destroyed so much. It has hurt so many people. Some people have lost their lives, unfortunately, and many more have lost their homes and their businesses, and just so much destruction. And it’s going to take months, if not even years, for the entire area to kind of recover and rebuild. And my heart is very heavy from this. I’m heartbroken by it all.

Not because I’m missing out on a vacation. But that’s like my second home. It just hurts. And that’s not to diminish any of the other areas hit. It is catastrophic for so many people. But it got me to thinking in terms of what I wanted to talk about today. And that’s the process of starting over and rebuilding.

Most of us have had at least one time in our life where we’ve had to kind of start over. Whether it be in a relationship, in work, or business, or anything like that. And even in the kink world, there are plenty of times where we may have to start over. Or we have to kind of rebuild ourselves. Life is not perfect, and not everything goes the way we plan.

Sometimes, shit just happens. And there’s only so much you can do to stop it. Sometimes, it can be our own fault. Sometimes we can bring things upon ourselves. out of our own arrogance or foolishness or just lack of knowledge and not being willing to admit that we have a lack of knowledge. But sometimes you just don’t see it coming.

It can be a huge storm that just brews up and wipes you out. But unless it’s a life ending event, you’re going to be starting over in some way, shape, or form. If it’s a relationship ending, you’re going to start over. If it’s a kink, your kink community coming to an end, right? You’re still going to start over. You may step outside of the kink world and build a community elsewhere, but you’re still going to be building something new.

When that happens, there are a couple things you have to do. You can sit around and feel sorry for yourself and that’s not unusual. I mean, you’re going to have to deal with some of the shock and trying to wrap your head around what has happened. And that’s, that’s a whole thing in and of itself.

But once you get past that shock, once you get past that initial “what just happened”... You have to start to begin that process of rebuilding. The first step of that is taking assessment. You have to look around and see what’s even still there. Right? So, in the example of what’s going on in these communities, they have to look and see what kind of damage is actually there.

If their home is still there, what kind of structural damage has happened? Is there anything they need to fix? If the home is completely gone, what does the foundation look like? Is there something they could even still rebuild there? Or has the surroundings changed so much that they can’t even do that? In our own personal lives when we have to start over or we have to rebuild ourselves, we have to take assessment of where we are.

We have to take assessment of what we’ve done, what choices we’ve made. And while it may be very easy to blame somebody else for everything, and I think that becomes a default for most of us. 9 times out of 10, we tend to blame somebody else. Your relationship ends. It’s their fault. They did this, they did that. And so it’s completely their fault.

The reality is though that we all tend to contribute something to that. A relationship only works when there are two people actively working together. And a relationship can often fail. Because we’re not both actively working together. Sometimes it can be completely one sided.

Somebody can step out in a way that they shouldn’t have and violate all the trust and of course that is something that happens and we have to account for that. But even in that, where did we miss? What, what did we not see? What signs were we missing? Regardless, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to stop and take an assessment.

Find out where we are. Remind ourselves who we are. What is it we even want? Has that changed now? You’ve gone through an experience. Maybe that type of relationship wasn’t really the relationship you thought it was going to be. And the question there becomes, is it because of the type of relationship or is it because of the person you were involved with?

And you have to make some assessment on that. I’ve seen people swear off a specific type of relationship because it failed. Uh, for example, people really quickly will run away from polyamory because they tried poly and it didn’t work. And yet, monogamous relationships fail every day and people continue to try and do that over and over again as well.

So, sometimes it’s not about the type of relationship. Sometimes it’s about the people involved in the relationship. So you really have to do a little bit of an assessment there to better understand, was it the type, did the type not fit or was it the people, maybe even a combination thereof? But you have to do that assessment and understand for yourself where you fit in that.

Sometimes that’s hard. You have to take a real true assessment of yourself and... we are the best at being self critical. We can criticize ourselves all day long. We can knock ourselves down a peg left and right. But this isn’t about being self criticizing. It’s about better understanding ourselves. And that is sometimes very hard for people to do.

That requires digging a little deeper. Most of the time when we criticize ourselves, it’s surface level crap. It’s just garbage on the top that is easy to pick off. It could be something, you know, I don’t look a certain way, or I do a stupid thing, or whatever it may be, right? I don’t talk right. I don’t act right. Whatever.

You know, one of the reasons I don’t do video right now is because I have this little twitch with my nose, and it annoys me to see that on camera. And that’s something I’ll have to get over at some point, because eventually I do want to bring video into what I’m doing. But I’m my own worst critic in that.

But you have to get past that and start looking a little bit further as to why these things happen. Going back to that example of why I don’t do video. It’s annoying, yes, and I can criticize that all day long, but why does that bother me? And it bothers me because I don’t want to be judged by other people watching my video.

It, it plays to my own insecurity there, right? And so you have to understand where you’re at and what’s going on. Taking that self assessment, understanding what strengths, what weaknesses, it’s like looking at that house that just went through that storm. Is everything okay? What needs to be reinforced?

What needs to be fixed? What damage has been done? Because you can’t fix any of it if you don’t know what the problem is. You can’t fix the house that’s broken if you don’t know what needs to be fixed. Sure, you can grab a hammer and nails and just start banging at things, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to fix anything. You have to know what the problem is. So take some time to really assess what’s going on.

I’ll give you one more quick example in that vein. Right now, the roads up in the mountains are an absolute mess. They are, in some places, completely destroyed. I’ve seen roads completely washed away from all the flooding. But there are bridges that are still standing. And at first look, when you look at it, it looks fine. It’s still there. The river didn’t wash it away. Everything’s good. The road doesn’t look like it’s been affected. That’s fine.

But those bridges are still closed until they can inspect them to make sure that underneath something didn’t go wrong. Because if the foundation at the bottom of that bridge is unstable, driving over that bridge could cost your life. So it’s important to know what is wrong, what needs to be worked on, what needs to be fixed before you can even begin working on the solution.

The next part of that is to start putting together a plan on what you’re going to do. Now that you know what needs to be fixed, what needs to be addressed, how do you go about doing that? Was it knowledge? Do you need to learn more about a certain topic? Do you need to learn more about relationships and how they work?

Is there a defect within yourself that you want to improve or work on? How can you do that? Is it a skill that you need to learn? There are so many different things that can go in to figuring out what the problem is, but then also how now do we resolve those issues? How do we fix it? How do we rebuild it?

I had a situation myself where I had a relationship with a friend that blew up, like, bad blew up. Their own insecurities led them to a place where they had to blow everything up around them, and I got caught up in that as well. And I based some decisions just before that on some of the information they had provided me.

In retrospect, after everything blew up, I had to go back and look at that information. Was that even true? Or was that being fed because of their own insecurities to manipulate things? Once I realized kind of what that was, I needed to go back and make some adjustments myself. I had to go apologize to some people that had gotten hurt because of that. So knowing kind of what the problem is and then how are you going to fix it is an important step.

The next part’s doing it. It’s taking the action. If it’s a skill, find somebody else that has that skill, and go learn how to do it. Watch videos online, or go to classes, whatever it may be. If it’s something you’re missing in knowledge, then go learn. Go find that knowledge. There’s plenty of it out there.

If it’s personal things that you need to work through, talk to somebody. Therapy is not a bad thing. Go talk to a therapist. Find somebody you can open up to and talk to. Or if you don’t want to go to a therapist, find some friends or a confidant that you can really lean into. Find a mentor or a coach or something, some outlet that allows you to be able to talk these things through.

Cause that’s how you uncover and that’s how you work on what’s lying underneath. So find that outlet to do that. Whatever the situation is, whatever it is that you want to adjust, you have within yourself and within your reach, the ability to find that opportunity. It’s out there. Now, I know you may be thinking to yourself, but yeah, I’m completely alone in all this.

You may feel like some of those people stuck up in the mountains right now in a most remote areas with everything cut off. There’s no cell phone. They have no roads to get in and out of and they are kind of by themselves. I understand. That’s not a good place to be. The reality is though that most of the time that is a temporary situation.

In this example that’s going on in Asheville and in the North Carolina mountains, help is coming and they’re working to get those things taken care of and active so that people can be reached and they can have the help they need. Sometimes you just have to hold on a little bit longer. But in the process, do the best you can to take care of yourself.

Part of that rebuilding, though, is reaching out to others around you. And if you’re in a situation where you really don’t have anybody else around you, find a way to be around other people. If you’ve just gone through a horrific breakup, and you’re stuck and you feel like there is nobody around you. You have no friends, you have no family, no nothing.

You’ve lost everything. There are still people. You may not have met them yet. So do your assessment, take inventory, figure out what it is you want to work on, but then go put yourself in a position where you can have people around you again. Go to events, get out, go find something that engages you and puts you around other people.

Start to rebuild the network around you. Rebuild that support system around you. The one thing I have learned throughout this life is that we are not able to do this alone. It is not something we’re built for. Even the person who is the most self inclusive, isolated type of personality still needs something.

You know, they’ll typically have a pet or something like that, but they, they were not built for complete isolation. We’re not built to be by ourselves all the time. And I’ll give you a little tip too. If you don’t have that support around you, you don’t have people that you can talk to, but you have a pet, talk to your pet.

You know, there’s a phrase in some religions that just tell you to pray about it. And... that always drove me nuts when I was a religious person. That usually told me you didn’t have an answer, so what was the point? But I’ve learned since then, that’s not necessarily the case. So a lot of times when I need to work through a problem, when I need to figure out what my next steps are or how to do something or just get more introspective, I literally will talk to myself.

I’ll get out for a walk and just go talk to myself, talk through it, be very open and candid with myself... and in that process, I’m getting out my thoughts. I’m allowing them to be physically expressed. I can hear them and then begin to sort through them. So whether you’re talking to a friend or you’re talking to a pet or just go for a walk and talk to yourself, there are plenty of options out there for you to truly be able to work through whatever situation is going on.

One key piece to that is to be open and honest with yourself. Don’t lie to yourself. Lies are going to get you nowhere. They’re not going to help you solve any solutions. They’re not going to help you find the end result you’re looking for.

And I’ll be honest with you. That’s not always easy. Being honest with yourself can be very hard because sometimes you’re going to uncover some ugly truths that you just do not want to face, but you have to. Because when you begin to face those truths, when you begin to understand who you are, what makes you tick, even if it’s not pretty, then you begin to empower yourself to make whatever changes you want to be.

I myself am not perfect. I will never claim to be perfect, but I am continuing to work towards that more perfect version of what I want myself to be. I know the person I want to be. I’ve laid it out. I’ve seen it. I know what that person looks like. I know who that person is, how that person acts, how they are with other people. And that’s what I want to be. And I still fail at that. I still miss the mark almost every day. But I keep striving for that. I keep looking for that as my end goal. And every time I fail, I will look back and say, okay, what did we do wrong? How did we mess that up?

The last part of all this is that it takes courage. Sometimes it’s easy to just pack it up and just be done. That’s sometimes the easiest thing. And for some of these people that are dealing with everything going on, they may choose to just pack up, not worry about trying to restart their business, move it back in with family, and not worry about trying to rebuild their home.

And in some cases, some people will decide that life is just done.

But to rebuild, it takes courage. And you’ve got to find that courage from within. It’s great to have support people around you that will encourage you and, and lift you up and let you know, hHey, they’re there for you, but they are not the ones that are going to do all the work. They can help. I mean, somebody can grab a hammer and a nail and start helping you bang around on the house,

but you’ve got to be willing to put in the work. So that courage has to come from within you. If you’re not sure if you have it, sit down for a little bit. It’s okay. Take a break. But I promise you, if you look inside, that courage is there. It’s part of the human spirit. It’s what keeps this entire human race going no matter what the catastrophe or the craziness of the world may be. We still have within us this amazing power to keep going, to find the courage to move forward.

So no matter what you’re going through, whether you’re starting over and rebuilding, or you’re even thinking about it, maybe you’re in a situation where what you have right now just is not working and you’re going to need to rebuild. I want to let you know that you’ve got this. You can make it. You will make it.

Take a few minutes to catch your breath and wrap your head around the situation. Do some assessment and figure out what went wrong, what happened and what needs to be fixed. Make a plan for what you need to do and then start executing on that plan. Put yourself in a position so that you can win for you and rebuild the life around you that you truly want.

It’s out there. Go get it. You’ve got this.

Podcast Episode hosted by Red

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Featuring a special guest as well - Red’s wife joins the program!!!
Grab a cup of coffee and get comfy. This one is going to give you a lot of information!

Video Version

Transcript:

Red:
Welcome back to the Deeper with Red podcast. This is Red, your show host, and I am here today with a very special guest. This is Laura.

Laura:
Hi.

Red:
So if you don’t know, Laura is my wife. She’s also my submissive. And, uh, we’ve lived together now for...

We’ve lived together for eight years. We’ve been together for 10 years, married seven.

Red:
See, and that’s why I have her around because I can’t keep up with these dates and numbers and all that kind of fun stuff.

Today, I wanted to bring up a topic for you guys and hopefully this will be something of value to you. We want to talk about... Drop.

What is drop? Now that can be sub drop, top drop. It doesn’t matter. It affects everybody.

And one of the reasons I wanted to have Laura on with us today is she’s an expert in drop. She’s dealt with drop over the years and hopefully she can give some great perspective from more of the bottom submissive side... and kind of go from there and see how this plays out. So, let’s start with... What is drop? How would you describe what drop is?

Laura:
So the technical explanation I guess is that drop is a drop in endorphins.

You get endorphins when you play. You get endorphins when you run. That’s why they call it a runner’s high. You get endorphins in many different ways. When those endorphins go away, that’s what drop is.

Red:
Correct. So, yes, as we’re playing, we build up a lot of the endorphins. We build up a lot of the different chemicals that play into the fight or flight scenarios that play out in our bodies.

And so we get all that, that huge rise and all these chemicals that hit in us. So once everything stops, the scene is over, everything is kind of cool and chill. All that that has been built up in us now has to come back down. And so that’s why it’s called drop because suddenly all these endorphins, all these chemicals are just dropping in levels completely out of us.

So definitely we know what drop is. We know that it is Chemicals in our brains doing crazy and weird shit. That’s why we have so much fun while we’re actually playing because we’re getting those highs...

Laura:
Right...

Red:
What does, and this is from a submissive perspective for you...

When you’re dealing with drop, what does that feel like for you?

Laura:
Drop for me varies...

It can be anywhere from angry to sad to just kind of melancholy and blah. Cold, sometimes hot, needing food. there’s a lot of different... different ways you can drop. For me, generally drop is mostly just kind of sad and melancholy.

Red:
Do you feel any sort of a physical reaction to this or is this mostly just mental, emotional type of feelings that you’re dealing with?

Laura:
Overall, I would say it’s mostly mental emotional, but there are physical aspects to it as well. There are, you feel cold, that is part of the endorphins leaving your body, tends to make you feel a bit cold. There is tired. I do feel tired quite often when I drop, whether it’s needing a nap or just an extra cup of coffee or something along those lines.

Red:
God bless our coffee.

Laura:
Gotta have it.
So it is both. It’s physical and mental. and emotional.

Red:
When you’re talking about the mental, talk to me a little bit more about what mentally you’re dealing with in that aspect.

Laura:
So mentally it is a bit of... doubt, worry, fears, am I good enough? Do they still like me? What if this part of this is too much?

Maybe I shouldn’t let them know anything cause I don’t want them to be concerned. I’m going through this alone... kind of things. You know, being unsure, I think, is a good way to explain that.

Red:
A lot of unsurety, a lot of anxiety and worry. What about the emotional aspect? What really hits you from an emotional standpoint?

Laura:
Sometimes it’s something I can’t explain. Um, there are times I feel like I want to cry, and I have no idea why I want to cry. It’s just All of a sudden I feel like I want to cry. It could be, I saw a puppy or a cute kitty and, you know, just the overwhelming emotion of, okay, it’s just a cat, it’s just a dog. Why am I wanting to cry over this thing that normally I’d look at and be like, “oh, it’s cute!” but now I’m, you know, waterworks and need the tissues and blubbering mess.

So it kind of varies and depends on... you personally, I think.

Red:
Let’s talk about that just a little bit because we do have a dynamic. This is not necessarily just “pick up play” between us... When it comes to these type of feelings, whether it be the emotional, mental, even the physical...

How does that relate to me as the dominant in our relationship? Are there any aspects of being your dominant that play into how you feel when it comes to your emotional or mental questioning and concerns?

Laura:
That has evolved over the years. In the beginning, very much was afraid I would let you down and I would disappoint you in some way by dropping and dropping either fast or slow or maybe I didn’t drop enough or, you know, I didn’t feel this thing or that thing, or maybe I felt too much.

Now it’s more of... am I annoying you with my drop? Because I can be annoying at times, you know, whether it’s, I want this candy or this thing or that thing. So all the candies. So it’s one of those things. Now I don’t worry about the disappointment as much. I don’t worry about the unsure if I’m dropping properly from what everybody else says or anything like that.

It’s more of just, am I annoying you? I think is the biggest at this point, but that’s 10 years in.

Red:
I gotcha. So, something else that comes to mind, I know that there are times where you’ve not really been sure if you’re dropping. How does that work? Do you feel like, “maybe I’m dropping, maybe I’m not?” Is it always, you know for sure that’s what it is?

Laura:
No, I don’t always know for sure if that’s what it is. When I think I might be dropping, I look at a few things. How long has it been since we played? How heavy did we play? And even with that, it’s not necessarily how heavy, how emotional was it? That plays into it a lot as well. And if I’m unsure if I’m dropping, I still do the things that I need when I do drop, just in case.

That way I’m staying on top of it. I’m, I know that if I am, okay great. These are the steps I need to take. If I’m not, well, I just gave myself a little treat.

Red:
I get it. From my side as a top, not a lot of tops realize sometimes that we drop. We can have some really awesome experiences and still fall prey to dropping.

I actually just had it happen to me recently, and it was the weirdest thing. Just to set the stage for you guys, we had done a double scene that night. We were at a play party, and I had done a scene with Laura. And then immediately after, I had done a scene with another submissive that I have. And we, it was intense throughout.

From start to finish, and there was no break in between. I played extremely heavy with both, very sadistic in both, and really allowed my own sadistic nature to come out, which... it doesn’t happen very often, not to that level. We were very much in a enclosed environment, there wasn’t a lot of people around.

So it really became very intimate as well. And it was a wonderful night. I had a blast, I enjoyed the hell out of it. But then, like, the next day, or actually two days later for me, because I know we had some other stuff come up, all of a sudden, that morning I felt... blah.

That morning I was kind of like, low energy... “I think I’m dropping...” ugh, you know, the world is just blah. And I could, I could feel that myself.

Laura:
I think I actually asked you if you were dropping because you seemed very blah.

Red:
That’s probably true. What was weird, though, is you had gone later in the day and laid down to take a nap. And then suddenly that... that blah feeling went from “ugh” to full on... “Oh my God, I am going to explode!”

It was the craziest shift. I was so antsy. I wanted to tear something apart. I wanted to just, it was like all the adrenaline was just flowing through me and in just this crazy way. And I was even thinking I should go to the gym because I’ve got all this energy now I should go to the gym. But then I knew better because I would have pulled something. I would have gone and worked myself so hard.

And for hours I stewed on this, I stewed on trying to figure out what in the hell is going on? Why am I feeling so ragey? And that was the only word I could think of. I wasn’t mad. I wasn’t angry. It wasn’t that I was pissed off at the world... but God help me, I wanted to rip something apart. I wanted to shred something bad and I wasn’t quite sure what was going on.

I reached out to a few of my top friends, uh, more sadistic than me and just... “Okay... is this something normal?” And I got some answers back from them saying, yes, we’ve dealt with that as well. So obviously that was quite a normal thing.

I had just never played up to that point or allowed myself mentally to get that deep into the sadistic nature within me. So that was a very interesting experience on my end to feel that level of drop. It’s crazy.

What causes drop? Now we know what drop is. Is it a specific level of play? What is the trigger that actually can create that drop? What are your thoughts on that?

Laura:
So, to get away from the technical aspect of “what is drop?”... it’s a connection, whether it’s with someone else or with yourself, with your own body, that is more intense. And it doesn’t always have to be with play. It can be a connection with a person. Maybe you don’t get to see them very often, but you spend an entire weekend with them.

You don’t play at all, but you just had that time with them that you don’t normally have. You maybe just were in service to them, you know, and helped them with things around the house, just mundane chores, even, but things that you don’t normally do in your day to day.

Red:
So something that’s connected you, something that’s really bonded you with that person and experience is what’s doing that and causing those levels to trip off.

Laura:
Correct. And you may not feel like you’re getting that subspace or top space... you may not feel like you’re getting that high, especially if it is spread over a few days or something along those lines. Imagine you go on a week long vacation and it’s this great thing at the place you love.

And you just have the most amazing time. Maybe only one or two minor things happen that weren’t great. And then you come home and now you’re like, ugh...

Red:
Exhausted.

Laura:
Exhausted. I just need a vacation from my vacation. And that is the same thing because you had this wonderful, amazing experience. Even if it’s something you do every year, twice a year, you still had this amazing, wonderful experience.

So now you’re coming down from that experience.

Red:
I get that.

I know for me, when I take a week and I just get on the motorcycle and ride and I’ve had just this wonderful... amazing experience. Come back. I am chill -like chill AF- just but then there’s the drop that comes after that and some people say it’s you know getting back to regular life and getting back to work and but no there is definitely a drop because of all the endorphins that were built up over that time.

Laura:
Actually getting back to work, getting back to regular life is a part of it. Because you do have responsibilities. You do have things you have to do. Oh, I can’t do this thing. I can’t be with this person. So that actually does play into it as well.

Red:
No, I would not disagree with that. No, I think you’re right.

I think part of it is having to come back to reality because a lot of times these experiences, whatever they are, it’s a step outside of normal day to day reality. So yes, you have to come back to reality and it’s never, never nearly as fun. And there is a little bit of that disappointment and that drop and that, Oh, okay, fine.

I’ll go to the damn grocery store.

Laura:
Exactly.

Red:
I know for me, my first experience with drop... It was unexpected. I was fairly new to the entire lifestyle. I just recently started exploring BDSM and trying to figure out what all this meant. And I had connected with this woman. And it wasn’t anything intense. We didn’t do like a scene or anything like that.

At that point, I didn’t know how to do a scene. I wasn’t into any kink play because I didn’t know any of it. We just had a really great bit of time together and I thought it was just really good intense sex and it was wonderful.

Hours later, and I’m not kidding... hours later... I get this message from her that she is just beside herself. She is feeling so bad and she is feeling a bit angry and just... she’s dropping... but we didn’t have a word for it.

We didn’t know what that was. It’s kind of the reason why I wanted to do this episode because we didn’t have that information then either as to what that even was. She did do some research online. She found some information that talked about what drop was and so she’s immediately reaching back out to me.

“This is Sub Drop! What do you know about it?” And, of course, I knew nothing of sub drop at the time. I was new. I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Of course, then, she did not like that answer one bit, and that was the end of what exploration we had. She needed to be with somebody at that point that knew what was going on, had the answers, and I didn’t blame her for that.

But that was my first entry into the world of drop, and I had no idea what it even was. I doubled down. I started doing the looking and the reading and trying to figure out exactly what it was.

So... that’s one of the reasons why we’re doing this today. So that you have a little bit more information, you know what it is and know how to better handle that.

Talking about handling it...

How do you as a sub deal with drop? How do you manage to get through when you are dropping?

Laura:
So for me, it starts immediately after the scene is when I start my, my care, my self care, my drop care. Generally, it’s the aftercare that does play into it because there are times when I don’t receive aftercare, whether it’s because we’re at a party and we just don’t have the opportunity.

Whatever the reason may be, that can play into it as well, so I know I need something warm, whether it’s a blanket or a hoodie, and that goes for when I’m feeling the full effects of drop as well. I need something to eat, some sort of snack, salty for me usually, that’s right after we play. When I’m actually dropping,

I crave sweet. 95% of the time and it varies, but I always give myself that pass to have the sweet stuff, to have the jelly beans, to have the peanut butter M&M’s, which are my current obsession, to have the sodas, to have the little snacks and things like that, because those are what’s needed.

I have my stuffed animals so I can cuddle with my stuffies. They make me feel a little bit better. If I have something that has the scent of you on it, that helps as well. You know, just the normal things that bring me comfort in general, are what I have.

When I was working, that made it a little more difficult because there were things I had to do at work. I couldn’t just sit and not do anything all day. But I had my sweater or a hoodie or something to keep me warm because I would always be cold. Of course, office spaces generally are. I would have maybe a small little stuffed something on my desk that I could just kind of play with or rub a little bit that wasn’t anything out of the norm. Maybe a heating pad to help with the warmth, some candy, a candy bar, something I can kind of snack on, maybe a quick text to say that... “hey... feeling this,” “missing you,” whatever it may be, so I could get a few words of reassurance from him as well during the day, and so he would know where I was at and be able to offer some reassurance throughout the day also.

Red:
And yes, there are times that we’ve had situations where aftercare wasn’t necessarily possible. Uh, sometimes that does happen at certain events where you’ve got to get off and move and there’s really just not the space for the kind of aftercare that you would like to have, a really quiet room or something like that.

And then as we have gone further in our relationship and experience, there are times where the aftercare, the immediate aftercare isn’t as needed in the moment. It may generally come a little bit later. Yes, you do end up with a lot of your sweets and your treats and those are great. I know that we’ve also done, you know, chicken noodle soup or, you know, certain types of foods that definitely come into play.

Oh wow.... when you first started... folks, I’m not kidding, when we’d get done, we played last... we always played last because it did not take but 15 minutes. We, we played, we did a little bit of cuddle, we packed everything up and got the hell out of there as quickly as we could. And the first place we needed to stop...

Laura:
Somewhere, cause generally I needed a hamburger or a steak or some sort of red meat.

Red:
She needed something meaty to eat at that moment. And so we would find the nearest restaurant. We’d get in there, we’d place our order and God help them. I was hoping that they didn’t take forever to make the stupid food because half the time we would be waiting for the food and the time clock was ticking.

And then suddenly it just flipped. And she’s like... “I don’t want it!” “I’m not even hungry.” “Never mind.” “Eat.” “Enjoy.” “Go ahead, please.” “Eat your food, but I don’t want it!”

Laura:
Yeah, that generally did happen. Um, that was in the beginning. That was before I knew. What steps to take after play to help slow that process down, to help with that process before I could control those things as well.

I can actually control my drop now much better than I was able to before. I can feel that, hey, it’s coming on. Okay. Well, I’m not in a place where I can do that. Maybe, you know, I’m out in public, maybe I’m with family, something is going on. You’re at work, whatever that may be. Now I can say, okay, “I feel drop coming on,” but kind of put it on hold, so to say. I’m still going to feel it. I may still seem a little sad, a little melancholy, maybe a little tired.

And if anyone notices, anyone asks questions, “are you okay?” “Yeah, I’m just tired. It’s been a long day.” Even if it’s, you know, nine o’clock in the morning. If you’re in a job, they will understand that even at an hour in, but that has come with time and with experience and with learning. Before it was pretty immediate.

And I had drop twice. I would have the drop immediately after play, where I had to have food. I had to get something in me very quickly. Once I got food, I was generally pretty okay.

Red:
You were.

Laura:
And then either later that evening or the next day, my drop would hit. And it would either hit as extreme anger.

Red:
Mm hmm.

Laura:
Or extreme sadness. And I didn’t understand why with either of them... the sadness I kind of got, but the anger I’m like, “what the heck, why am I angry?” Cause that’s how my body decided to process it that day.

Red:
The reason I wanted to share that story wasn’t to embarrass or to do anything along those lines.

Laura:
Absolutely not.

Red:
No, it was more so because that’s the story for us in the beginning where there wasn’t a lot of experience, did not know exactly what it was, did not recognize it, did not know how to account for it, how to process it yet. That’s important for you to know if you’re new to this, because you may not quite understand what it is you’re feeling.

You may be angry. You may be beside yourself trying to figure out what in the hell is going on. And not really have any sort of a reasonable, logical answer in your head as to why you’re feeling a certain way you’re feeling, especially after you just had a great scene with somebody. Sometimes it takes time to recognize this stuff.

Laura:
It does take time to recognize it, and it takes time to recognize that everyone drops differently. You can ask 10 people how their drop affects them and you will get 10 completely different answers. There may be some overlaps there, like the general sadness, the general possible anger, things like that.

But you will still get 10 different answers and you’ll get 10 different answers as to what helps them process and helps them through it.

Red:
Correct. For me as the top, I’m still learning what to do to process it for me. Because I’ve not dealt with it nearly as much. My endorphins do rise, but they don’t always rise to that level.

Partly because, for me in my mind, the way that it processes is I have to be in control of everything throughout the entire scene. So I don’t let myself get too far carried away. Therefore, my endorphins don’t quite get up as high as somebody who is full on, maybe from a bottom side, fully immersed. But this last situation for myself in dealing with drop... that was new.

It was something for me to learn from. So learning how to process out the extra energy, learning to recognize that and understanding that this is normal. At the time I had no clue what it was or why. So that was weird and it was confusing and it was scary in some ways... even as a top, guys... it’s scary when you’re dealing with drop for the first time.

So that’s okay if it scares you. But now that I’ve gone through that, now that I’ve processed that out, I have a better understanding of what it feels like for me, better understanding of maybe the things that I can do. Later on in the day, I did go to the gym, so that definitely helped, but that was after I kind of amped down just a little bit cause I did not want to hurt myself.

So it’s learning those things though, that help you to self soothe. I know people that deal with drop... they need to have good sex with somebody. They need to get out and run. Sometimes they just need to get more of those endorphins out to help level it back down.

Laura:
And that’s just it too. If you have the opportunity to get your endorphins back up a little bit, that will help to lessen the drop as well.

That’s where having something like a good steak, a good burger, that red meat also helps to do that. If you’re vegetarian, whatever your go to is for that, something with good protein is very important. Um, I know people that’ll eat yogurt after or something along those lines, and that’s actually a great thing.

It’s something quick and easy that helps to bring those levels back up, not just your sugar levels. Get out and run, exercise, listen to music, do whatever it is that normally makes you happy. Sometimes you may have to force yourself to do those things, but do it even if it’s just for 10 or 15 minutes and you’d be amazed.

For the women out there, grab one of your little small vibrators and give yourself a quick orgasm. It doesn’t have to be anything mind blowing. Just that little hit to the endorphins and guys, I mean, You do you. I don’t know exactly how all that works for you... because for me, I can just get, you know, my little vibe and within five minutes I’m good to go.

But even still, that helps with that part of it and you may still drop, you may still have the same feelings later, but it may help you get through that particularly tough moment.

Red:
So the takeaway from that... the best way to deal with this is to find the things that help soothe you and it can be a wide variety of things.

So start to learn what it is that you enjoy and pay attention to your everyday life. Pay attention to the things you do normally to feel better. If you’re sick, what are the things you do to take care of yourself then, when you just want to feel a little bit better? When you’re feeling a little down today?

It’s not even drop. You’re just feeling down today. What are the things that you normally do to make yourself feel better? Make mental notes of these things because these are the things you can use when you’re dropping as well to help soothe yourself during that process.

Laura:
Well, and I would even suggest making it part of your negotiations with your play partner is... “Hey, here’s how my drop (if you know how my drop process is) here’s what I need after.”

So when you tell them I’m dropping, they can maybe reply back or call you or whatever it is you have in place and say, “Okay, go get yourself some peanut butter M&M’s. Get your favorite stuffy, curl up on the couch beside your pet, if you have one, and relax for a little bit.” Or if you’re at work, “okay, go to the vending machine, run to the store...” whatever you can do to help with that while you’re there. And then when you get home, you can X, Y, Z.

Red:
That brings up a very important point, though, that I want to touch on as well, and I’m glad you brought that up. Not everybody has a partner. Not everybody has a consistent play partner. And even with some of their consistent play partners Immediate aftercare or extended aftercare during drop isn’t always part of what’s between the partners.

So you will have some play partners that “I just don’t do aftercare” and that’s fine. I mean, if you’ve negotiated it out and you’re both okay with it, but it is important that you talk about it, at least understand what to expect. If you’re on the bottom, know what the top can offer. If you’re on the top, know what you’re willing to offer.

And talk to the bottom about that, and so you’re on the same page. But there are definitely people out there do not have a consistent partner in their life. So you want to learn how to do these things for yourself. If you have a friend that knows that you’re in the lifestyle,

Laura:
Yes!

Red:
Somebody you can reach out to and say, “Hey, I’m going through this.” That friend may even say, “Hey, come over, hang out. We’ll put on some movies and watch that. Or we’ll go for a run or let’s go grab a drink and just get out of the house for a little bit.”

Laura:
Or they could even be the ones that remind you of, “Hey. Okay, this is what you need to do. Go get your stuffies, go get (I say stuffies all the time because that’s my go to), but go get whatever it is your comfort thing is and do that.”

Take care of yourself in that way to remind you because sometimes when you’re in drop, you don’t always remember or think of all the things that may help you.

Red:
And one more tip that you can do in that situation, let’s say that you don’t have that consistent partner. And you don’t have that friend that you can talk to about this lifestyle, which that happens.

While you’re not in the middle of drop, write down the things that make you feel better. Put them someplace easy that you can get. That way when you are in this place, when you do feel that you’re trying to think of, “Oh God, okay, I need to feel better. I don’t like how I’m feeling right now. What can I do?”

Instead of trying to get your brain to focus and catch back up with you, pull your list out. You’ll have it right there in front of you so that you can then, “Oh, you know what? I do have some candy or I do have a blanket over here or that’s my favorite movie. Let’s put that on!” Whatever it is, you have it listed out easy and at your fingertips.

Laura:
Well, and I think the biggest thing to remember Is that this is all part of the process of play or spending time or whatever it is. There’s going to be the ups and downs and the evens. You’re not going to have one without the other. It’s like a swing. You have to go back the other way at some point.

Red:
Correct. Now, I think the next question I have, and this is our last point on this topic...

Does drop stop?
Does it stop happening to you as you get more experience along the way?

Laura:
No.

Short and sweet. No, it doesn’t stop. For me, it has evolved. It has changed. I can shorten it because I know what to do, but it does not stop.

Red:
You’re not nearly as angry immediately as you used to be when we first started.

Laura:
No, definitely not. But I also can recognize that, “oh, I think I might be dropping. Let me go get some candy” and half an hour later, an hour later, I feel fine. I’m okay. And we could have had one of the most intense scenes we’ve ever had.

And I still feel fine and I’m fine after that, because I’ve given myself what I need in that moment to process the drop that day. Or there’s other times where it’s like, yeah, I need the whole day, and maybe we had a five minute scene, you know, and I just need to process and to feel whatever it is I’m feeling for the whole day.

Red:
I know for me, I’m still learning those things myself, 10 years in, and I’m dealing with a new type of drop that I’ve never dealt with before. So I don’t think that it ever stops. I do like what you said. It does evolve. It changes. I think as you continue to learn more about yourself, you continue to learn how you handle things.

That’s going to change. But the other thing that happens as we continue to experience this lifestyle is we start to try new things. So things that you didn’t do two, three years ago, suddenly you’re... you’re open to trying them today. So it’s a whole new experience. And that drop might hit slightly differently because of the type of experience it was.

I know when we did electric play for the first time, that was a totally different drop for you. You were unsettled by that and didn’t know exactly what the hell was going on.

Laura:
Electric play, the first time I did rope, the first time pretty much anything, my drop has been completely different. Usually the first time it’s more contemplative and trying to figure out, okay, did I actually like that?

Or was I just in the moment trying to make my top feel good? But that’s part of it with drop. It’s constantly evolving. It’s constantly changing. Even if you do the same thing for ten years. You play the same way with the same toys with the same partner the same amount of time your body is going to change... it’s kind of like running or exercising... if you do it consistently your body changes and you will be more used to certain things, but you still have changes. Your body is still going to react a certain way. It could be that maybe you got over a cold last week and then you went and played today and tomorrow you’re going to have some super intense drop because your body wasn’t quite back to a hundred percent.

Red:
Yeah.

So the biggest thing there is that no, it’s probably not going to stop. You may learn how to better cope with it, how to deal with it, how to manage it. You may get a better perspective for yourself on what it means, what actually triggers it, but it’s unlikely that it’s ever going to stop. But it will get better in most cases.

Laura:
It will, and... even if it getting better is that you know how to handle it.

Red:
Correct.

So I think that kind of wraps up this episode for Drop. Hopefully this helped answer a few questions for you. Thanks for hanging out with us. Thank you, Laura, for being here with me today.

Laura:
Thank you for having me on.

Red:
All right. We’ll catch you guys in the next one.

Thanks for tuning in to the Deeper podcast. I hope that you not only enjoyed the episode, but maybe something new jumped out at you. Hopefully something that changed your perspective and maybe has you thinking a bit more. I’d love to hear from you. If you have comments, show ideas or questions, please check out the show website at deeperwithred.com. Click on the Feedback tab and send a message there. You’ll also find other episodes, related materials, and even ways to show your fan support right there on the website. So we’ll see you there. Until next time, whenever or wherever you can, Go Deeper!

Podcast Episode hosted by Red
Special guest: Laura

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Video Version

Transcript:

Hello! Welcome back to the program. This is Red, your show host, and you’re listening to the Deeper with Red podcast.

Today, I want to talk to you about... mind reading.

I know it sounds kind of silly, right? Um, nobody can read minds! And yet somehow along the way we treat others as if somehow they are able to read minds. And I want you to think about it like this.

I’m going to give you a couple of examples.

A dominant will never be able to truly read your mind. If you’re a submissive and you’re waiting for them to read your mind, know exactly what it is you want, know exactly what it is you need, know where your fears, know where your limits are, it’s not going to happen. There’s no way they can do that. It’s just not possible.

A lot of times I think we have this fantasy in our head. We have this idea that this person we’ve met is just so amazing, so wonderful... they know everything that we need. They’ve got it all figured out. We don’t have to tell them anything. They have somehow, magically figured out everything we need along the way.

And if that’s happened for you, then God bless you, that’s wonderful. Uh, that’s amazing.

But that’s not normal reality. This is not a Fifty Shades moment. This is not a trashy romance novel where the other person somehow magically is able to know every single thing you’re thinking.

Sometimes as a dominant, we can be pretty good at reading. We may be able to read body language. We may be able to read your mood, your mindset. We can tell when things are off. Usually, we can kind of sense these things. (If we’re paying attention. Not everybody does.)

But if we’re paying attention, we can read a lot of these things.

But understand, that is only reading. We don’t know exactly what’s going on in your head. And there are going to be plenty of times where we’re reading things... Absolutely wrong.

If you’re relying on your partner to totally read your mind, if your communication style is “you have to read my mind”... You’re truly making this much harder than it needs to be.

Over the years I’ve heard from many submissives who don’t want to place a lot of extra burden on their dominant. So they don’t tell everything. They don’t share everything that’s in their mind, everything that’s on their heart. They don’t share their fears, their worries. Because the last thing they want to do is add more on top of the dominant. They recognize the amount of responsibility that a dominant will carry. And they don’t want to add to that.

So what happens then is nothing. They don’t say a word. They hold it to themselves. They keep it within. All to help shield the dominant from having to take on any more responsibility than they already have. The problem with this mindset is that you’re actually placing more burden on your dominant that way. You are literally forcing their hand to have to try and read your mind.

It’s so much easier if we are told exactly what somebody needs. If we are told exactly where your limits are. Now you may not know exactly where your limits are. You may not know exactly what your needs are. That’s fine. I’m not talking about that situation.

But when you know what’s going on in your own head, and you’re not communicating that with your partner, with your dominant, and they are forced to have to try and figure it out, you’re doubling their work. They have to not only read what’s happening, but now they have to make sure that they are reading it right, and all that responsibility just doubles on them.

Because in that situation, while you’re expecting them to read your mind, You’re holding them to that standard because you’re putting that work on them. You’re expecting that they are so freaking amazing that they’ll be able to figure it out. And when they don’t, if they fail at that, that becomes a mark against them.

In your own mind, it’s in your own subconscious, you may not be thinking it outright. But there’s a very good chance that in your own subconscious, you are noting that they just let you down. They failed. And after a while, those failures start to add up. When in fact, the dominant did not even know what was going on.

I’m going to give you another example. And this is on the flip side. This is the dominant not communicating to the submissive. This is setting expectations or setting certain parameters in place but without clarity. Thinking that the submissive will just figure it out. They will read their mind. “They know what I mean.”

“I said do this. They know what that means.” What you don’t realize sometimes as a dominant is they may not know exactly what you mean. And one of the challenges is that they may also be afraid to ask for more clarification. There’s nothing worse than a submissive not knowing exactly what to do, trying to figure it out, constantly in fear that they are going to mess it up at every flipping turn.

If you cannot be clear in your directions, if you cannot offer that clarity that is needed and give a safe place for that clarity to be requested, in many, many ways you are setting that submissive up for failure.

For them to be truly successful at whatever task you have given them, for whatever the parameters may be, they need to know exactly what that means. Don’t let them sit there trying to figure it out. If you do that, you’re truly playing with their mindset and not in a positive way. So many times that fear of disappointing the dominant gets in the way.

“I won’t ask that question. I’m not going to ask them for more information. I’m not going to ask them to tell me what they mean, because I’m supposed to be able to know this. Somehow I should magically understand this.” And so now as a submissive, they’ve got to try and read your mind. And it’s going to go just as badly when they fail and you, because you were expecting that they were going to read your mind and they didn’t get it right.

Now, suddenly in your own head, they have failed. There’s a mark against them. When in reality, if there had just been clear communication, And when there’s a misunderstanding, that freedom to say, “okay, can you clarify that for me? I do not want to let you down. So can you please break that down for me a little better so I know exactly what you’re looking for?”

This all comes down to good communication skills. This whole lifestyle comes down to good communication skills. We’ve got to be able to talk about the things that we want, the things that we need, where our limits are, where our desires are. The moment we have to try and play a guessing game, the moment we have to try and figure it out, this is where we start making mistakes on both sides.

Tops, bottoms, dominants, submissives, masters and slaves. I don’t care what the dynamic is. If you’re not talking, If you don’t have that open line of communication where you can truly, truly ask the questions that are needed to get clarification and the other party be willing to give you that space and give the clarification, you’re kind of fighting against yourselves here. You need to have that open communication.

This is an adult relationship. And this requires adult communication. And sadly, we’ve been given some really, really, really bad examples of adult communication over the years.

Expecting somebody else to figure it out. Expecting somebody else to read your mind. And then putting them down, shaming them, or making them feel like a failure because they did not get it right. Folks, that’s the examples we’ve been given all across our society in terms of “adult communication.” And that’s not how we should do this.

We are different. The parameters of the dynamics that we play in are totally different than what most of the world works with. And that calls for us to be different. It requires that we communicate at a different level. So if you’re in a situation where you’re not quite sure what the other person meant... ask.

If you’re submissive and your dominant has given you direction and it’s not clear enough for you, there’s too much open for you to try and interpret, ask them for clarity. If you’re the dominant, and you can tell something is on their mind. Ask them. Don’t just try and figure it out. “What’s going on? Talk to me.

I need to know.” And I don’t care what side of this equation you guys happen to be on. If somebody else in your relationship is asking you for clarification, and you have the information to give them that clarity that they need... if you want this relationship that you’ve got to grow and to get deeper and to foster, don’t hold it back.

Don’t be worried about being a huge burden to the other person. They would not be there if they didn’t want to take on whatever that burden is.

Communicate with each other. Talk to each other. It’s the most vital thing you can do in this lifestyle. It’s the most vital thing you can do in any relationship, period. But especially within this lifestyle. Because honestly, if you cannot figure out how to truly, openly communicate with your partner in this, you may want to rethink whether you should be doing this.

I don’t say that lightly... because I’m not somebody that’s going to sit here and tell you how you should and have to do this. But I’m telling you that communication is that freaking important. If you can’t do it, if you refuse, then you really need to rethink whether or not this is the type of relationship you’re looking for.

So be good to each other. Talk to each other. Be open, communicate, and stop making the other person try to read your mind. It’s not going to work. Thanks for tuning in. Hope you guys enjoyed this one and I’ll catch you on the next one.

Thanks for tuning in to the Deeper podcast. I hope that you not only enjoyed the episode, but maybe something new jumped out at you. Hopefully something that changed your perspective and maybe has you thinking a bit more. I’d love to hear from you. If you have comments, show ideas or questions, please check out the show website at deeperwithred.com. Click on the Feedback tab and send a message there. You’ll also find other episodes, related materials, and even ways to show your fan support right there on the website. So we’ll see you there. Until next time, whenever or wherever you can, Go Deeper!

Podcast Episode hosted by Red

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If you know of someone else that would appreciate this work, please be sure to share it with them.

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Transcript:

Welcome back to the Deeper with Red podcast. I am Red, your show host, and today we’re going to talk about...

Getting started.

I just recently bought some new equipment for the podcast, uh, one, including a voice recorder. And one of the first things that made me want to do was start using it, but I didn’t know kind of where to start.

You know, I have to jump into the manuals and start figuring out how that works. But then as I’m thinking about what I wanted to talk about today, it’s... where do I get started? There are so many different things that I want to talk about, so many different things we can explore together. So where does one start when you’ve got so many topics available to you?

And that kind of got me thinking a little bit about when we first come into this lifestyle... where do we start? I know for a lot of people that is a big, big question... Where? Where in the hell do we even start? So I want to talk a little bit today about that... where to get started. You’re going to notice in this particular episode, I am bypassing the whole intro thing.

I wanted to get away from that for a moment and see how that plays. I noticed that a lot of people were kind of dropping off during the intro, so let’s just kind of jump right in and see what we’ve got. So getting started in this lifestyle, it’s intimidating. There’s a lot of things you want to see, a lot of things you want to try, a lot of things you don’t even know what the hell they mean.

So let’s talk about the different ways to get started and how to move forward with that. One of the first parts is learning. I’m not going to kid you. There is a lot to this.

You’re going to hear a variety of different terms along the way, and you’re not going to have any idea what in the hell they are. One of the best ways to learn those things is to just start getting online. There are plenty of websites, groups, message boards, you name it, out there that surround the topics of kink, BDSM, this sort of lifestyle.

Start doing some homework. Start looking things up. Now I’m going to give you a little bit of a caution here. When you start reading things online, or even in books, and plenty of books out there available as well, you’re going to hear a lot of different perspectives. People are going to tell you exactly “what this means!”

They’re going to tell you, “this means this, this, and this, and that is it. There is no, if ands or buts, there’s no question marks. And if you don’t fit into that box, then this isn’t for you.” One of the things that is lacking is perspective. There’s no rule book folks. There’s no Holy Bible of kink out there.

And the person who thinks they’ve written that is doing themselves and everybody else an injustice. They have a very limited view as to what can be done in this lifestyle. And I don’t want you to carry that. I don’t want you to read something on a message board somewhere, or read some website that tells you,

“this is the absolute how to do this thing.”

You see, the reality is, that’s not how it works. You’re going to get a variety of perspectives. As somebody who comes from the top side of things, as a dominant and who has also been a master, I’m still learning, and growing, and evolving in what I do. I’m ten years into this thing. I still don’t have all the answers. So understand that what you see online is just a collection of different perspectives. Take them, read them, learn from them, but figure out what works for you. Figure what really applies to you. There are certain things that just aren’t going to make sense.

Certain things that don’t fit you, your personality, your wants and your needs. You don’t have to do those things.

You don’t have to be a part of something that doesn’t fit for you. So do keep in mind, that you’re gaining perspective. You’re learning, you’re growing, you’re expanding that knowledge base. You’re seeing how other people see this, but start taking that with a perspective through your own lens and how you see the world and how you see this playing out for you.

That’s very, very important. As you start doing all your learning and you start gathering all this information, one of the next places you want to start looking is... community. How do you meet other people in this lifestyle? After all, if you’re going to do a lot of these things, you’re probably going to need somebody else to do them with, and we’ll get to that in just a moment.

But you’re going to need to start meeting others in the community. Now for a lot of you, this raises some major red flags and a lot of fears and your hair standing up on its edge and you’re like, “Oh my God, I have to meet people in this lifestyle? Oh God. No. Um, I just can’t do that!” Calm down. It’s going to be okay.

Most of the people you are going to meet in this lifestyle are just like you, just like me. They’re people. Bottom line. We’re all people and we all have different wants and needs and hopes and dreams and different perspectives and different viewpoints. But we’re still just people. 90 percent of the people you are going to meet have also got some of the same fears you have.

Maybe you’re worried about your job. Maybe you’re worried about your kids. Maybe you’re worried about how other people might see you or judge you. Trust me, they’re all fighting those same things too. That’s why this becomes a community because in so many ways, we are kind of all judged by others.

This is one of those areas where you can actually meet other people like you with some of the same interest as you and explore those interests. Kind of get a perspective from somebody else in real life as to how they see things. So how do you go about actually meeting these people in the community?

Well, you’ve already been on the web. You’ve already looked around at different websites. So if you take some of the more popular websites out there, like meetup.com or fetlife.com, you can find different pockets of groups, locally where you are. You look for different social events.

In the kink community, we love to call them “munches.” Munches is a very fancy word for saying, “we’re gonna get together and have some food”, and that’s what it is. You’re, you’re getting together with a whole bunch of other people in a very vanilla setting, probably at some restaurant, maybe in the back room.

Maybe in some tables off to the side. You’re all interested in this lifestyle. You’re all part of this lifestyle, but you’re not in a kink setting. You’re in a vanilla setting. So there’s no pressure. You’re not going to be playing with somebody right there on the spot. Nobody’s going to come to you and say, Hey, can I do this with you?

Hey, would you like to do this right here, right now? It’s not possible because you’re in a vanilla setting. So it’s more conversation. It’s more getting to know people and not just the kink part. You actually get to know people as, well... people, which is kind of cool because you get to see that they’re not much different than you.

It kind of helps to start setting you at ease a little bit that you’re not some really weird, strange person. Well, you might be weird and strange and that’s wonderful too. But you’re not so weird and strange and messed up by being interested in this stuff. There are other people just like you and they don’t all look like crazy maniacs.

There’s going to be one or two. There’s going to be one or two that do look a little crazy and a little maniacal, but for all intents and purposes, they’re just going to be general people. So you want to look for the munches in the area. And they can be around different things. There are munches that are for the TNG group, which is “The Next Generation”.

Typically those that are 35 and younger. So if you are younger in your age and you want to be around younger individuals, that’s a great place to start. There’s, conversely, the TOG, “The Older Generation”. That’s usually 35 and up. So if you want to be around a more mature crowd, you can do that as well. But you have general munches as well, just general community munches.

Here in my local area, we have what’s known as a “Traveling munch” and it moves from one location to the next, travels all around the area so that different people from various areas have a better chance of coming to the munch. Munches are definitely more food centric. So they’re going to be at a restaurant, you’re going to be eating with other people, and hanging out and just talking over food.

But there’s another avenue that’s becoming more and more popular, and it’s called a “slosh”. Well, as the name kind of portrays, it’s more around drinking... It’s like going to a bar with other people, all kinds of socialize, have a drink or two and kind of get to know each other.

Again, very non threatening, very easy, very low entry point. So you don’t have a lot of stress or pressure on top of you still in a very vanilla setting, but understand too, that you’re probably at a bar. So some conversations can be a little bit more risque in that regard. You can also look for just more smaller social gatherings. I know here locally I actually put on what I’ve called an... “Old Fashioned Social.” Now I love old fashioneds. So these are held at places that have really good kick ass old fashioneds. So, you know, kind of my own personal twist on that, but the goal is to open up an opportunity for 10-20 people to just come together, get to know each other and find a small entry into the community. For those who have major anxiety when it comes to meeting people.

Social anxiety can be real, it can be crippling. So for those people, this is really great because it’s a much smaller crowd. It’s only a handful of people, so you’re not having to worry about being on for everybody.

Another avenue to reach into the community is through the local events. And I am talking about going to play spaces, dungeons, house parties, hotel takeovers, things like that. Now, a lot of those you’re going to need to be vetted for.

A quick word on vetting... that is kind of an overblown statement in most cases. Most of the time it’s they want to meet you. They want to go over the rules with you. Kind of let you know what to expect. Tell you what they expect out of you in terms of behavior. And then come and have fun. The good thing about events, especially more of your play events,

You get to see different people play in various ways. Now when you first go, your first time, you don’t have to do anything. Understand, it’s not a requirement that you actually do anything the first event you go to, or the second, or the hundredth. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.

So what’s really cool though about that is you get to watch other people play. You get to see different styles, different techniques, different types of play. You might see an impact scene here, and a wax session over there, an electric play over here, somebody throwing a whip over there. So many different things.

Some of these places will be sex positive, some will not. So you may or may not see exhibitionism on display. Whatever the case is, and whatever that party happens to be around, it gives you an opportunity to socialize with different people within those environments.

Now know that in those environments they are definitely going to be much more kink appropriate. So you’re likely to get asked, “Hey, would you like to XYZ?” You may not have ever met this person before, and you can say no, please understand the invitation is not a demand and you can say no.

And if they press more, definitely say no. If you say no, and they keep pressing. They’re not going to respect your boundaries while you’re in play either.

So, keep that in mind as you look.

The point is, this is another place where you can actually start to meet other people within the community. Once you’ve stepped into this world a bit more, you might actually want to start exploring. Now, if you don’t already have a partner that you’re going to explore with, you’ll start looking for a play partner. And there’s a couple of different ways that you can actually address this.

You can look for specifically a play partner, somebody that you can dive in, test out a different kink, get their experience and let them teach you different things you can do with that. Again, at events, you can actually do pick up play. So you can meet somebody, talk for a little bit, negotiate a scene and try the scene right there on the spot.

We have a local event here that once a year they do what’s known as an Exploratorium, where throughout the dungeon area there are different stations already set up. There are different tops that do certain things. So if as a bottom you wanted to explore what it felt like to have a bit of impact play, or a little bit of needle play, or a little bit of wax play, or electric play, there’s different sections set up where you can go and just get a little taste of it.

You can kind of do the same thing at different events. Meet a play partner, even in pickup play, where you just met them... “I have an interest in knife play, but I don’t know much about it. Can you give me maybe just five minutes? Show me just what that’s like?”

That’s okay to ask. It’s okay for them to say no, but they might say yes. And now you can get just a taste of what’s going on. Or if you want jump into a full on scene, that is your choice as well.

There’s also the alternative of professionals. There are professionals within the kink world that will do professional level scenes. The focus in those are typically going to be primarily on you. The nice thing about that is there’s not something that they’re looking for from themselves. So let’s say that you wanted to try an impact play scene with somebody, but you don’t want it to become a sexual thing. And everybody you’ve talked to up to this point has said, yeah, I’ll happily do impact with you, but I want to have sex afterwards. And that’s not what you’re looking for. With a professional, you’re not going to get that.

You’re going to go to them and say, I want to do this. They’re going to tell you, that’s great. Here’s what it’ll look like. This is what it would cost to set the time up. And then the scene becomes about you exploring what it is you want to explore. And that’s not just from a bottom side. You could be a top wanting to learn how to do something.

And you could actually have a professional teach you that as well.

But let’s get back to play partners, because for most of us, that’s kind of where we want to be, whether we’re in a relationship with somebody or just somebody we casually get together with and play, we want to find a partner we can begin to trust. Use common sense. Trust your gut. Make the best decisions you can. Don’t go in blindfolded, don’t go in crazy, and don’t lose your damn mind along the way. But, don’t get so hyper fixated on trying to know every single detail that you never can meet anybody because nobody can quite measure up to the vetting process you have.

So you gotta find the right balance for yourself there.

Once you find somebody that you can trust with that, then you begin to explore. You begin to try different things. Start slow. Start easy. It’s okay. You can build up over time. This is not a sprint. This is a marathon. You have the rest of your life to explore this stuff. So, take your time.

Now, we’ve gone, we’ve learned some stuff online and different books, and we’ve met people in the community. We’ve enjoyed the sloshes and the munches and gone to a few different events. We’ve actually picked up a play partner or two that we’re trying to explore these things with. Let’s go deeper. When you’re ready, obviously.

This is when you start talking about power dynamics and putting a power dynamic in place. This is not something you just do with some random person you just met. Do this with somebody you trust. Somebody you’ve taken time to get to know.

Dynamics is about turning power over to somebody else. If you’re the submissive, you are handing your power and authority over to the dominant. If you’re the dominant, you’re taking on additional authority and responsibility. This is not child’s play. This is real adult stuff.

And they have real adult consequences if you don’t treat them with respect.

But for me, and I can only speak for myself in this, this may not apply to you. Power dynamics is where the magic truly begins to happen. To me, that’s the magic behind this whole kink and BDSM world we live in. Establishing those relationships with clear power dynamics in place. Allowing the trust between two partners to grow and get deeper and deeper.

The vulnerability is insane. How crazy and wonderful that vulnerability can get.

Now. I will be touching more in future episodes on dynamics and how they play. And I know I’ve got one or two that touch a little bit here and there. So we’ll be progressing further into how power dynamics work, what they look like, things like that. But I want to leave you with one last final thought. In all of this, as you begin to start your journey... as you begin to meet people, get involved in different parts of the community... getting to events and playing and finding play partners and, and all the wonderful things that come with this.

I want you to always remember one very important thing. Your personal safety is your personal responsibility. In everything you do, you have to take on the responsibility of knowing where your safety is. I am not, by any means, in any way, shape, or form, trying to advocate for any sort of victim blaming. By no means.

There are people out there that will take advantage of, assault, coerce, do all sorts of negative things with ill intent to other people. And those people are despicable. Those people should be dealt with. But ultimately, you do bear responsibility for the decisions you make. So if you don’t know anything at all about a certain kink, but you go to a play party and you immediately just jump in and it’s not what you thought it was going to be... I’m sorry, that’s on you.

So take care of yourself, protect yourself, use your brain throughout all this... trust your gut. Thanks for hanging out with me today. I wish you the best on your journey, and I hope now you have a better idea of where to start.

Thanks for tuning in to the Deeper podcast. I hope that you not only enjoyed the episode, but maybe something new jumped out at you. Hopefully something that changed your perspective and maybe has you thinking a bit more. I’d love to hear from you. If you have comments, show ideas or questions, please check out the show website at deeperwithred.com. Click on the Feedback tab and send a message there. You’ll also find other episodes, related materials, and even ways to show your fan support right there on the website. So we’ll see you there. Until next time, whenever or wherever you can... Go Deeper!

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Transcript:

“Welcome to Doms R Us. How may I take your order? “

That kind of sounds silly, doesn’t it? Hi, this is Red, and welcome to Deeper with Red, the podcast. Want to talk to you today about... instant gratification and how damn spoiled we actually are.

I know, half of you just turned off right now. You’re not interested, you don’t want to hear, and that’s fine. But for those of you who are sticking around,

I want you to think about something. We live in a world... in a society where everything is so... instant. Like everything. It’s insane how fast we get damn near everything given to us.

We don’t like waiting on a meal to be prepared. We don’t like waiting for a show to start. Used to be... you would go out to a restaurant and you’d wait 10-15 minutes just to get a seat, and then you would wait another 20 minutes for your meal, and you would take an hour for the meal and have a wonderful time. Now it’s run through the drive through quick in and out, and you’re done.

You used to go to the movie theater and watch a movie, but you had to sit through all the damn opening credits and scenes and previews, and you finally got to see the movie, but it was a whole thing. You had to drive there. You had to go through that. Now we just put it on Amazon Prime or any of the different streaming systems that are out there. And we’re getting so used to everything being handed to us.

Unfortunately, that mentality has also seemingly transferred into the kink and BDSM lifestyle. And I’m not just talking about in dynamics, although it’s really, really big in dynamics and relationships, but in play and finding play partners, and engaging with other people. Everything has got to be so instant. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of stomach left for getting to know somebody. Taking time.

If you say hi to somebody and they’re not instantly ready to jump into play. They lose interest pretty quickly. If you say hi to somebody and have a conversation or two and you’re not ready to jump in to be their dominant or their sub or whatever the intended or desired dynamic is, then you’re not serious. You can’t truly want what you say you want.

We’ve gotten so used to everything being instant. The problem with everything being so instant though is that... in reality... what used to be a really damn good meal has turned into a fast food feast that is not good for you, usually tastes like crap, and half the time you’re not getting what you ordered.

Think about that. Half the time you go through a drive thru at any of the fast food chains, you look in the bag, you’re not getting everything you ordered. You probably got somebody else’s order. And if you did, it’s just thrown together, the packaging is ridiculous, something’s missing, you added extra pickles to your burger and there’s not a damn one on there.

The point is... you’re getting food, but you’re not getting anything of quality. You’re just eating.

And if that’s how we’re treating our relationships, whether it be our dynamics, or our play partners, or even our friends within the lifestyle, or just in life in general, if that’s how we’re treating our friends, they’re just food, and we don’t invest enough time and energy to make it a fucking meal? To make it something that you can savor and enjoy and experience? Then what are we doing? Why are we wasting our time?

The instant gratification when you apply it to relationships and interactions with each other just builds a lot of empty, garbage calories in our soul. And we become unable to actually do the things that we want and need to do within our relationships. And that’s if you even got the damn order right to start with.

You thought you were getting that daddy dom, but you didn’t take time to find out whether or not that was part of the menu. Or you’re ready to be the most mastery of masters, only to find out that the person you’re trying to take on as a slave has no idea what that even means.

When it’s all said and done, these things cause nothing but trauma. They cause nothing but hurt. We all walk away feeling just horrible. That same really nasty, bloated, gassy feeling you get from eating a really bad meal from the drive thru, that’s what’s feeding our souls in our relationships.

Take your time. Get to know the people that you’re engaging with. Find out who they are. Find out if what looks to be on the menu is what you’re actually getting. It’s okay.

You do not have to rush this. And no, it’s not gonna be instant. Not if you want something of quality. If you want an experience. If you want a good, hearty meal that truly feeds that soul, there’s no way that can be instant.

You’re not gonna just add water and have the perfect dynamic, perfect play partner, or even the best friends.

So think about that as you go through your journey. Are you investing yourself in other people? And are the people that you’re investing in, are they investing back in you? Truly does matter.

I hope that helps. Thanks for hanging out, and we’ll see you on the next one.

Thanks for tuning in to the Deeper podcast. I hope that you not only enjoyed the episode, but maybe something new jumped out at you. Hopefully something that changed your perspective and maybe has you thinking a bit more. I’d love to hear from you. If you have comments, show ideas, or questions, please check out the show website at deeperwithred.com. Click on the feedback tab and send a message there. You’ll also find other episodes, related materials, and even ways to show your fan support right there on the website. So we’ll see you there. Until next time, whenever or wherever you can, Go Deeper!

Podcast Episode hosted by Red

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Transcript:

Okay, so what the hell is BDSM?

In this episode, we’ll try to answer that question, but hopefully not in a boring way.

We’re going to cover a few things, including the basic idea of what BDSM is and what it means, what’s at the heart of BDSM, share a few thoughts on the idea of consent, a few safety tips to help get you started, and at the very end I’m going to give you some kink ideas that you might actually want to explore.

But first... the show intro...

You’re listening to the Deeper with Red Podcast. A show about the BDSM lifestyle with stories, thoughts, and perspectives to inform, entertain, and challenge your thinking. Are you ready? Let’s go Deeper.

Welcome to the show and thanks for hanging out with me. I’m Red, your show host.

Today we’re tackling the question... what is BDSM?

{sound effect}
Oh, sorry about that!

You know, when I first started recording this episode, I tried to start out with the definitions of the letters of BDSM and no matter what I tried, it was just... boring. So, instead...

I want to get to the heart of BDSM.

Now, for those who don’t know, BDSM, it actually stands for

• Bondage,

• Discipline,

• Sadism,

• and Masochism.

Now, if you’re not quite sure what those terms mean, you can do a quick Google search. Get the definitions there. Or, leave a comment. Shoot me a message. We’ll see if there’s a need to go deeper into those terms.

But for now, what’s at the heart of BDSM?
Well, my friend, that would be the concept of “Power Exchange.”

I want you to keep two terms in mind when we’re talking about this.
Top and bottom.

• The top is the one to whom power is given.

• The bottom is the one who gives up power.

Pretty simple, right?
Well, now, power exchange can actually get quite a bit complicated.

I want you to understand that a power exchange can be a short term thing or more of a 24/7 all the time thing. It really depends on what you want.

An example of a short term thing is basically just during the time you’re playing with someone. That’s it. During that scene, the top has the power to do the thing, and the bottom gives the top the permission to do it. But when the scene is over, so is the power exchange. Done.

Think of this like renting a car. You get the car to drive for a little bit, and as long as you take care of the car and give it back on time, everything is good.

Now, when it comes to a 24/7 power exchange, it can apply to so many other parts of your life outside of just playtime. And that can be a great thing for those who really crave that sort of a power exchange all the time.

This is more like owning a car. It’s yours, and you can drive it when you want to, but remember, you still have to obey the speed limits, take care of the car, and keep it safe. There’s a bit more responsibility that comes with this type of thing. So you need to know that you can handle that, regardless of what side of the exchange you happen to be on.

And of course, you can do a power exchange that is somewhere in between. You don’t have to do only during play, and you don’t have to do it 24 hours a day. What it looks like for you is completely your choice.

There are no hard and fast rules to say it has to look or be a certain way. Whatever it looks like for you, you get to first talk about it, then agree to it. And that’s a pretty important thing.

But why a power exchange?
Well, for some people, the idea of always having to make decisions or being controlled can be exhausting. Some people may be in charge during the day, like at work, but want someone else to be in charge of other parts of their lives, especially the bedroom.

Some people love being in charge and want to take that on with someone else. They thrive on leading and want that in their personal lives too. You can even see where people may not be in charge during their workday. But this gives them the opportunity to enjoy that in their personal and sex lives as well.

But that doesn’t mean someone is looking only for the opposite of what their workday looks like. Some people just like that level of power in all aspects of their lives.

For example, I am in charge at work and in my personal life. I love the responsibility of being the leader. While I do have power in my job. I still want that in my personal life too, and yes, there are those on the other side of things that don’t have a lot of power in their jobs, but still crave that sense of security in someone else leading and directing them in their personal lives too.

In other words, each of us is different.
As a matter of fact, there are those who like both sides depending on their mood and their partners. We call them switches because they can bounce back and forth depending on their wants and their needs.

Let’s talk about the idea of consent for a moment.

Consent is knowing and agreeing to what is going to happen. This is one of the core parts of BDSM, and while I’m not going to dive too deep into it here, I do want to talk about a couple of things.

Everything we do is based on the idea that everyone has agreed to engage in whatever is going on. In other words, everyone gave permission.

Whatever is going on, you should have a say in what happens. You should have an idea of what could happen and be willing to accept the risk involved. Yes, there are some real fun parts of kinky play. But there are some risky parts too, so it’s really important that you have agreed to what’s going to happen.

Now, you can get very detailed and direct, giving a solid “yes” to every turn, or you can go with the flow and test the waters along the way. How you do this doesn’t matter as much as you agreeing to what’s going on. You need to be on the same page as your partner, though. If you want to say yes step by step, and they just want to test the waters along the way, you’re probably going to run into some trouble at some point.

Either way, if something comes up that you are not okay with, that’s when it’s time for you to speak up. This is where safe words can come into play. Most people in the kink world use safe words. Safe words are there to tell each other how things are going. They can be used to slow things down or even make it stop right away.

The most common safe words used are traffic light colors. Green means keep going. Yellow means slow down. And red means “stop right now.” When you’re talking to someone about a scene, make sure you’re on the same page when it comes to your safe words.

While most people do use green, yellow, and red, some people like to come up with their own words. Just make sure you can remember what they are. It can be hard to remember to yell “rutabaga” when something is going wrong.

Now since I brought up safe words, let’s touch base on a couple things when it comes to safety in kink. There will be another episode that dives deeper into safety, but here are three quick tips when it comes to safety in kink.

First, use common sense.
Seriously, do not leave your common sense at the door. You might think this is a no brainer, but you’d be shocked. Some people will do some really crazy things without giving it a lot of thought. Meeting a complete stranger at a shady motel after five minutes of online chatting... probably not the best idea. And yet, people will do that.

Second, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.
Whether you are a top or a bottom, you don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.

For example, you may want to try a different type of play, but someone is trying to pressure you into sex as well. If you don’t want to include sex, you don’t have to. Or maybe you’re actually just wanting something sexual, but you don’t want to be spanked. Again, you don’t have to do what you do not want to do. Stick to your guns, and if it’s asking too much, do not be afraid to walk away.

Third, consider a scene name.
This is a name you’ll go by when meeting others in the lifestyle. It’s not your actual real name, and that allows you to keep some privacy about your day to day life. Of course, there are times you may want to know the real name of somebody, especially if you’re going to play with them. And that’s perfectly fine. But it is actually quite common for most people in the community to have a scene name they use around the larger kink community instead of their actual name.

Now here’s a tip for you when you’re thinking of a scene name.
Consider something more like a nickname. Something that would make sense for you. I’ll give you an example. My scene name is Red. Now that nickname makes much more sense once you understand that I am a natural redhead.

What you come up with is up to you. But there are good reasons to choose a nickname that feels right for you. A good nickname is easy for people to remember. You don’t have to worry about who you’re around, especially if you’re going to parties.

You’re using the same name anytime you’re in the community, but one of the best reasons, if you ever run into someone outside of the kink community, let’s say like at a grocery store, you can easily explain a nickname that makes sense if someone else is around.

Now on that note. Most people who have been in the kink world for any length of time know not to just say hi outside of the community. That’s because some people have a lot at risk in their lives. From family life and kids, to work and careers, and even social groups they’re a part of. Basically, if we don’t know each other outside of kink, we just smile and keep going. We have no idea what they’re doing, who they are with, and so it is best to wait until you see them again in the community before you say hi.

Okay, I promised you a few kink ideas to explore.

First, let’s talk about the most common of kinks. Exhibitionism and voyeurism.
That’s all about watching and being watched. Some people really get off on showing themselves to other people. And porn definitely shows us that people do love watching other people. Since these are so very common, they are definitely a couple things you can explore relatively easily.

Another one that many people enjoy is impact play.
This includes things like spankings, flogging, paddles. Basically, someone gets hit by something either for pain or pleasure, or quite often, both.

Sensation and sensory deprivation is another very fun thing to explore.
With this, you get to play with the senses. Some ideas here would be, use a blindfold. Play with some ice. Use headphones to take sound away.

Service oriented play is something you can definitely explore, especially if you want to keep sex out of things. Think about things where the bottom is given ways to serve the top. A couple quick examples could be maid service, cooking a nice meal, or even making and serving the perfect drink to the top.

Side note, I do love a good old fashioned.

A couple more for you.

Electric Play.
This uses some sort of an electric stimulating device to literally amp things up. This type of play can provide some great light tickling sensations or something even a bit more intense and sharper.

Wax Play.
Uses a low temperature candle that drips over the skin of the bottom. And this creates a great contrast between that sudden heat and a quick cooling effect. Clean it all off with a knife when you’re done.

Oh, yeah. Knives!

Okay, okay, I need to stop here. There are so many different ways you can explore a variety of kinks, and if I tried to go through them all, we’d be here all day.

Instead, I need to go ahead and wrap this up.

So, hopefully now you have a better understanding what BDSM is, we touched on what the letters mean very briefly, but got more into the heart of it all... the Power Exchange. We talked a bit about some safety ideas, including using a scene name that feels more like a nickname, and finished up with a few kink ideas to think about when exploring.

I’d love to hear what you got from this episode. Would you help me out by adding a comment or a review? Be sure to subscribe for future episodes, too, so you don’t miss out when something new is uploaded. If you have other feedback, you can also reach out to me at the show website, deeperwithred.com, and click on the Feedback tab.

Until next time, thanks for hanging with me, and have a great day.

Thanks for tuning in to the Deeper podcast. I hope that you not only enjoyed the episode, but maybe something new jumped out at you. Hopefully something that changed your perspective and maybe has you thinking a bit more. I’d love to hear from you. If you have comments, show ideas, or questions, please check out the show website at deeperwithred.com. Click on the feedback tab and send a message there. You’ll also find other episodes, related materials, and even ways to show your fan support right there on the website. So we’ll see you there. Until next time, whenever or wherever you can, Go Deeper!

Podcast Episode hosted by Red

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Transcript:

You’re listening to the Deeper with Red podcast, a show about the BDSM lifestyle with stories, thoughts, and perspectives to inform, entertain, and challenge your thinking. Are you ready? Let’s Go Deeper.

Let’s talk about the purpose of this podcast. Why in the hell am I even doing this?

Well, I’ve been in the BDSM lifestyle for about 10 years now. You could call me a veteran, if you will. And I’ve seen a lot of people come and go. I’ve seen a lot of people try and figure out what this even is, how it works for them, a lot of questions... and those answers are not always easy to find.

You can go into one of the groups on FetLife about being new... “Newbies and Novices” I think it is, and you will see hundreds and thousands honestly of questions being thrown out there, and a lot of times they don’t get answers. A lot of people trying to figure out for themselves... what in the hell this even means? What are they doing? How do they do this? People want to know. And yet, there’s not always the answers out there.

True, you could get a mentor along the way. But who do you get that from? Who do you talk to? And how do you know who to trust with that?

So, I know that for me, coming in, I had a lot of questions. I did not know where to go, what to do. And I had to fuck it up along the way. I had to jump in and try and figure out exactly what to do, where to do it, and what the fuck not to do, because God knows we’re going to fuck up and make mistakes.

So my hope is that this podcast becomes a resource for others who might have questions, who are looking for information, for more insight for their own journey.

I want to set the stage, though, for expectations. Let’s talk about what to expect here.

First and foremost, you need to understand... I am not THE expert in BDSM.
Yes, I have a lot of experience and I’ve been doing this for a while and I definitely have my own thoughts and opinions and perspective on a lot of what we do... but I’m not the expert.

I’m not THE person that has all the answers.
The one thing about this lifestyle is that it’s very individualized. It is something that is specific to you and to your journey. you’re not going to find THE answers from any one individual person. So do understand, I am not the expert. I will give you my thoughts and my perspective on a number of different topics along the way.

But that does not mean that I’m always going to be right.
I am an opinionated asshole sometimes. And I continue to work on my own perspectives and I continue to be open to other ideas and learning and growing... but I’m not always going to be right. Even if I talk with conviction on a topic, I’m still not always going to be right it.

It also means that it won’t always work for you.
I may give you ideas or thoughts, perspective on a certain topic, things that you do have questions on... but my advice, my thoughts... may not always work for you. You are your own individual. You’re not me. I can tell you what works for me, what works from my perspective, my train of thought, my experience level. But they may not work for you, but that’s okay because ultimately this is your journey. You have your own journey, your own challenges, the things you’re going to learn and overcome along the way. I’m just hoping to be able to give you a little perspective that might help. So ultimately, you have to pick and choose what works for you.

Any advice I give, any perspective I share...
take what works for you and throw the rest away.

Now, why me? Why Red? Why should you be listening to me at all?
I do have some experience and I have been doing this for a while. I’ve been in this lifestyle for over 10 years now. I’ve been doing this as a dominant from the beginning. I’ve worked with multiple people over the years.

I’ve had more than a couple submissives along the way... one that is still with me to this day, ten years in... a few others along the way that have come and gone.

I’ve made plenty of my own mistakes, and I’ve had plenty of my successes. My experience can be helpful. I can share with you along the way the areas that I have fucked up. And hopefully they will help you not make those same mistakes.

I can share with you the areas that I have grown. The areas that I have found success. Some of my challenges and the places I have overcome.

I’ve also been new. You know, I started in this journey the same as you. I was brand new. I’ve not forgotten what that’s like. So many times in this lifestyle, people tend to forget that. They forget that they too were new... that they did not know what the fuck they were doing, and they asked some of the stupidest, silliest questions as well. I’m a big believer... there are no “stupid questions”... Only the questions you don’t ask. If you don’t know, you should open your mouth and ask.

I too am also still learning.
I know enough now to know what I don’t fucking know. I don’t try to pretend to be something that I’m not.. I’m still trying new things. I’m still exploring what it means to be in this lifestyle. What it means to be a dominant. I’m still learning what it means to try different things along the way. I’m also still growing. As of this recording, I’m 50 years old... but I’m still growing.

My journey’s not yet done.
So I will continue to make mistakes. I will continue to learn and evolve. And hopefully what I learn, as I pass that information on to you... as I pass that experience and that perspective... hopefully that’ll help you continue to grow as well.

This is also part of my giving back.
You know, I’ve been in this lifestyle for a decade and along the way I’ve realized I’ve not done this alone. I’ve had people giving to me. I’ve had people help me. I’ve had people answer questions, mentor me. This is part of the way I give back. I’ve been writing for the last decade. I have continued to write and will continue to write and I’ve gotten some great response from my writing over the years. This is another way that I’m hopefully able to give back.

Also, I have a perspective.
Again, going back to my experience, it has taught me a lot of different things. My perspective is going to be different than yours... but that’s okay. This is one of the ways that we grow, not just in this journey, but in our lives. By hearing the perspective of others, seeing things through their lens.

Now it may not always apply to us directly... there are things we can pick up and we can learn from other people if we just listen for a moment. So I’m going to share my perspective... take it for what it’s worth.

And quite candidly, in the end, this just felt like something fun to do.
I wanted a different way to engage with others. So why the hell not? I’ve been told I have a face for radio. I’ve also been told I have a pretty good voice too, so... You be the judge of that one.

So what do I want in return?
How can you fit into this?
What do I want in return from you?

Actually, that’s quite simple.

Engage.
Comment on the different episodes. Like what’s going on when it makes sense to you. If you get any value from this, you know, write a review. Subscribe to the channel. Share it with other people. Let other people know that this is going on. Maybe it also helps them.

I want your feedback.
You know, tell me what helps you. Tell me what really works for you. If I’m hitting something that is really resonating for you, let me know. I want that feedback. And if there are areas that I can improve, if there are areas that I can help make things better so that it helps you better, let me know.

If you have questions, please ask.
I want to hear what you want to know about. I want to know what your questions are. What can I do to help you? What questions do you have? Stories. If you have stories, share them with me.

I want to hear about your experiences.
I want to hear what you’ve gone through, the challenges you’ve dealt with, things you’ve overcome, whether they be a good or bad story, I still want to hear them. Maybe your story can help generate a new podcast that can help others. And if you’re okay with it, maybe your story can even be featured on the podcast.

I’m also open to guests.
If you want to be a guest on the podcast, if you have show ideas or you want to be part of an interview, I would love to hear from you. I certainly have some ideas on what I want to do with that as we go into the future. So I’m definitely open to guest and ideas from that.

And anything else...
Any other way that you feel like you can help give back to this show would be certainly appreciated.

So I’m going to wrap this up with a very quick thank you. I want to thank you for taking time to listen. I want to thank you for the encouragement I have been given. Thank you for investing with me... and hopefully the investment in each other will pay off for both of us.

If you want to know more about the podcast, a little bit more about me, you can find more information at the website, deeperwithred.com. Or you can hit us up on the @DeeperWithRed FetLife profile as well.

Thanks again for joining in, spending a little time with me. Have a great day.

Thanks for tuning in to the Deeper podcast. I hope that you not only enjoyed the episode, but maybe something new jumped out at you. Hopefully something that changed your perspective and maybe has you thinking a bit more. I’d love to hear from you. If you have comments, show ideas, or questions, please check out the show website at deeperwithred.com. Click on the feedback tab and send a message there. You’ll also find other episodes, related materials, and even ways to show your fan support right there on the website. So we’ll see you there. Until next time, whenever or wherever you can, Go Deeper!

Podcast Episode hosted by Red

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Oops! Looks like I used the word “fuck” a little too much for YouTube’s liking… but you can still go check it out there if you like.

Transcript:

Frenzy... what the hell is it? And how can it totally fuck up your journey?

In this episode, we’re going to talk about the concept of frenzy, how it can mess you up if you’re not careful, and how to deal with it when you’re actually caught up in it. This is an important topic, so stick around for a few.

Let’s dive deeper.

You’re listening to the Deeper with Red Podcast. A show about the BDSM lifestyle with stories, thoughts, and perspectives to inform, entertain, and challenge your thinking. Are you ready? Let’s Go Deeper.

Well, hey there, I’m Red, and welcome to the Deeper Podcast.

Okay, so you may be asking yourself, what is frenzy? Well, the simple answer is... it’s a state of excitement... where you just lose your damn mind!

Think of it like this. You know that phrase... “kid in a candy shop?” Well, imagine you’re a kid left alone in a candy shop, free reign to eat anything and everything you want.

You’d probably go nuts, right? Be grabbing handfuls of candy and chocolate treats and all that delicious fudge, and probably wash it all down with the biggest milkshake you can find... while it may be the best time of your life in the moment... we all know what comes next.

A stomach that is sick as hell, a visit to the bathroom to exorcise the demons you just consumed. Probably about a week of never wanting to touch candy again.

In other words, you lost your mind, you went crazy, and ate every damn thing you could to stuff your face with. Well, that’s frenzy. Except, you’re not in a candy store, and you’re not a kid. You’re in the kink world, and you’re supposed to be a grown ass adult.

Now I get it, the kink world looks like one hell of a candy store. There are so many different things to try and enjoy and explore along the way. There seems to be something new at every corner, and yeah, we want to try it all. So how do we manage this? How do we not find ourselves hanging over the proverbial toilet, wishing we’d never even heard of kink?

So a few years ago, I wrote a post over at FetLife.com that got a lot of love, and it was around this topic of frenzy. The title of the writing was “Fucking Yellow, Dammit!” And I wanted to take a moment to visit that writing and share my thoughts with you. So first, here’s the writing itself.

So this writing got nearly 2,000 loves and over 200 comments, and this was very early on in my journey. It was actually one of my first popular writings, which kind of surprised me a bit. I was just ranting away at some shit I saw, knowing that people were putting themselves in some really fucked up situations... because they were just moving way too fast.

Everything here can be exciting as hell. I mean, seriously, there’s some shit you’ve never even imagined. Maybe you’re more like me, and you read those stories on the back of some porn magazine and swore those things could never be true. Only to realize later that, holy hell, this stuff actually does happen.

Either way, stepping into this journey, you quickly find that shit gets real. And exciting. Pretty damn fast. It’s not hard to get wrapped up in it all very quickly, and even start to lose your mind. When we get in this headspace, we start to make some really bad decisions.

Now I’ve said this before, but if you would not meet some random stranger at a shady motel, within five minutes of swiping right on Tinder... you might want to just take more than five minutes to approach some of what we do here.

But when you’re in a frenzy headspace, you need to do everything and you need to do it all NOW!

• Negotiations? Who needs that? I just want to play.

• Getting to know someone a bit? Oh, come on. They’re a master. Surely things can’t go wrong if I just jump in as a slave.

• Oh shit! That’s shiny over there! And then you drop everything you’re doing in the moment, forgetting the person you were just connecting with. Leaving them to feel used and basically shit on.

• CNC and kidnapping? Hell yeah, sign me up for that. Someone, come take me away. Who? Oh, I don’t care, just promise you’ll honor my safe words, please?

Before you know it, you can get burned out by running so damn fast. Or worse, you can get taken advantage of, or even seriously hurt. And by hurt, I mean in ways that can affect you for the rest of your life.

Look, I said it in the writing, this journey... it is not a sprint. You don’t have to do everything everywhere and all at once. Unless you’ve only been given three weeks to live, you have the rest of your life to explore the stuff.

The better approach is to take your time. Learn a bit about what you want to explore. What are the risks? What bits of safety do you need to be aware of? Who’s trustworthy to help you explore while not trying to fuck you over? And if shit does go sideways, how do you recover?

So much of what we do in this lifestyle falls under the concept of edge play. That’s the stuff that can take you to the edge of safety. Which is why it’s so damn thrilling!

Think of it like this. You know that rush you get when you’re standing at the edge of a cliff or at the top of a building? Yeah, it’s a pretty amazing feeling, right?

I can remember standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon, and holy hell, what a rush that was. But if I had run full speed ahead to the canyon’s edge and tried at the last second to stop... what are the chances I probably would have gone over? Hell, what if I was able to manage that trick, stop just in time, but then suddenly, a gust of wind came right up at the last moment?

You see, knowing how far you really are from that edge, and what the conditions are before you make your approach, can truly make all the difference.

Hopefully by now you’re getting a sense of how frenzy can be dangerous... if you’re not careful.

So how do we deal with it when it happens? Because trust me, we all deal with it at some point. Even those of us who are more experienced in the lifestyle still fall prey.

Well, the first step is to actually recognize it.

• Are you making foolish decisions?

• Are your decisions coming too quick and putting you in very risky positions?

• Are you finding yourself in a place of wondering how the hell you even got there?

• Are you too busy setting up different scenes with different people, one after the other, without taking a lot of time to figure out if those people are even trustworthy?

Chances are if any of that resonates with you, you may very well be dealing with frenzy.

So be honest with yourself and own up to it. You don’t have to be embarrassed about it because it happens to the best of us. Once you realize you’re losing your mind, it’s time to take a step back and kind of reevaluate things.

Take a look at what you’ve done and be honest with yourself.

• Where did you make the wrong moves?

• Where did you move too fast?

• What did you do that maybe you wish you had done differently?

Now take that information and apply it to what’s next.

• Got a couple scenes coming up? Ask yourself how well you know and trust the people you’re actually playing with.

• Have a few new experiences lined up? Have you considered the risk involved? What’s your plan?

• Have you even negotiated with the people? And are you actually happy with what was agreed to?

• Are you allowing yourself time to actually process the stuff you’re doing? Like for real. Sometimes we need time to process some of the stuff.

Give that to yourself. Talk to your friends. Ask them if they think you’re moving too fast. And where you may be taking a bit too much risk.

Once you have a better understanding of what you’ve done, and where you’ve lost your way and your mind, and what you have coming up, make adjustments where you need to.

Talk to the people you’re engaging with about where you are. Let them know you need to slow down just a bit. Let your friends know where you are and ask them to help remind you to think things through just a bit more.

Pace yourself. That new experience, it ain’t going anywhere. People have been doing it for years before you came into this and they’ll be doing it for years after you’re gone.

So honestly, you have plenty of time.

Now, I will be the first to admit that this is how I see these things and that doesn’t apply to everybody. There are people out there that have a much higher risk profile than I do. And there are those that want to feel something so damn bad they really just don’t care about what happens. And if that’s you, well, you do you.

Here’s the thing. You are an adult. You are absolutely free to do whatever you want. This is your journey, after all. Besides, I am not part of the Kink Police. But remember, you’re also the one that has to deal with whatever consequences come from your decisions.

That said, my perspective is... slow down. Try to make the best decisions you can and take your time to enjoy the different experiences along the way.

Yeah, it’s a little less risky and a little less frantic, but you really do get a chance to enjoy and process what it is you’re doing. And doing that can make for some of the best experiences along the way.

We do play on the edge quite a bit, and that’s not a bad thing. We often have far better experiences in this journey than most people will ever have in their lifetime. But it’s okay to take your time in that journey.

It’s okay to slow down just a bit. And it’s okay to call yellow on yourself along the way.

Thanks for hanging with me. Have a great day.

Thanks for tuning in to the Deeper podcast. I hope that you not only enjoyed the episode, but maybe something new jumped out at you. Hopefully something that changed your perspective and maybe has you thinking a bit more. I’d love to hear from you. If you have comments, show ideas, or questions, please check out the show website at deeperwithred.com. Click on the feedback tab and send a message there. You’ll also find other episodes, related materials, and even ways to show your fan support right there on the website. So we’ll see you there. Until next time, whenever or wherever you can, Go Deeper!

Podcast Episode hosted by Red

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Thanks for checking out my first episode. This is a clip that happened while testing the equipment, and I just began talking. I decided to use it to practice some further editing and wanted to share.

Warning, there’s some vulnerability going on here… But, I do want feedback, so feel free to comment.

Video Version

Transcript:

Let’s talk for a minute.
Let’s get into some shit.
Let’s Go Deeper, because that’s what we’re here to do, right?

I’m scared. I’m terrified that I’m going to put together something here that, nobody gives a shit about, I’m worried that this is just going to be a waste of time.

Yes, I have hopes that maybe eventually it can monetize and maybe this could be something I could really enjoy and even make a living off of. So I’ll have to be honest in that, yeah, there’s some motivation to that, but... the actual motivation to get me started down this process, which has turned into more than I expected to be honest, has been just wanting to give back.

I’ve been in this lifestyle for 10 years. I’ve been doing this for over a decade now. And I’ve had a lot of people in my life that have taken the time, that have shared with me and taught me. I know that there’s a need for that. I know it was super beneficial for me. It made a world of difference for my life, for my journey, for who I’ve become and what I do. So I want to give that back.

I’ve done that somewhat with my writing. That has definitely been an area that I’ve been able to give back and, and kind of express my thoughts on things. And I know that has hit a few people along the way. And I’m hoping that when it’s all said and done, this has a similar impact, if not maybe a slightly larger impact because now you get to hear from my voice, not just words, not just text on the screen.

I don’t believe that I know everything... by any stretch of the imagination. I know better than that. I know that I’m still learning along the way. I know that I am still going to fuck up. I am still going to make mistakes. I know that it’s not going to be easy gliding.

I’m still 10 years in and learning new things about myself, about this lifestyle, about relationships, about so many different aspects of all this. And now I’m seeing it more as somebody who’s 50 versus somebody who was 40. And even that bit of life experience does make a difference.

So for me, this isn’t about trying to impress anybody. This isn’t about me trying to be seen as an expert. This isn’t about me trying to make myself something bigger than I am. This is about me wanting to share my experience, my understanding, my perspective.

And I hope that when it’s all said and done, you can take that... wrap it into your own perspective, take little bits and pieces, little nuggets that I might have that I can share from my experience to you... wrap that into your perspective.

I don’t believe that you should believe exactly like me. I don’t think you should do everything that I do in the way that I do it. That takes away from the creativity that this lifestyle actually gives us. That’s kind of the cool thing. You know, you get to kind of tailor this to you.

So I’m not going to tell you how you have to do everything. I don’t want to do that. That... that’s ego. Right? “Do it my way. Do it the way I would do it. Because then you’d be doing it right.” That’s not who I am.

I’m still learning. I’m still growing. I’m still figuring this out too.

My hope is that together share a little perspective and maybe just maybe we can figure this thing out together. You know?

I know I’m talking into this and to you through here and it is kind of a one way conversation, but you can leave comments, you can send messages, you can reach out. I invite that. I want that. I want that conversation. I want to hear from you as to what you think on some of these topics as well.

I’ve gotten good, positive encouragement along the way, which has been amazing. And I appreciate that very, very much. But I do want the criticism. I want the feedback. I want the things that are going to make me better at doing what I’m doing here. And if you need to blast me, blast me. That’s fine. I can take it. I’m a big boy.

But understand, I’m probably still going to challenge your thoughts. I’m still going to challenge your perspective. Not because I think I’m right. Well, I do think I’m right because that’s me. And you’re going to think you’re right because that’s you. The trick is being open minded enough to allow more than just one thought in our head, and I’m hoping that I can give you a little bit more to think about.

So I want to give back. I want to make this for that purpose.

Where I can help you not make the same mistakes where I can help you shortcut the system. To get to that place where you’re happy and thrilled and thriving in this lifestyle without all the, the additional traps, because God knows life alone leaves plenty of those, you don’t need more, but if I can find a way to help you not fall into as many traps, to learn from my mistakes, to maybe gain a little bit more perspective than what you currently have... then hopefully what I’m doing is of value.

Hopefully you’ll want more. Hopefully you’ll want to share with your friends and please share with your friends, you know, like, and subscribe and all the fun stuff. But hopefully this will have some value for you, as you are in this lifestyle.

I’m confident in what I’m talking about. And while I’m in my garage doing this, and it’s surreal, it’s the strangest, weirdest thing I’ve ever done. I’m excited about it. I’m excited about the possibility of talking to a wide variety of people. And sharing perspective that maybe, just maybe, it does something to help them.

Having the ability to impact others has become more important to me than I ever realized.

I came in really worried, more about me, me, me. I think we all do. Life teaches us that we have to be all about me, me, me, me, me.

But being around others, taking on this lifestyle, this responsibility, and I don’t care what side of the slash you’re on, there’s responsibilities. You have to be in your lane, if you will, you’ve got to be doing your side of things.

There is something more that comes from that. You get more than just “me, me, me.” Especially when you have others that will reach out and help you those moments when you are down and you don’t know what to do and you’re exhausted and you’re frustrated and you call up a friend and say, “I am lost. What the fuck do I do in this moment?” And they can share from their perspective, their experience, and they can help you figure that out.

That, that shit’s gold. It’s gold in ways you just can’t even measure and the impact. I’ve had people in my life that have given me just some of the best moments. Those best moments came out of not so great moments.

Even a friend that I held close as a brother, who I’m no longer friends with for various reasons. - politics sucks, by the way - the impact that he left on me all these years later, that was seven, eight years ago now. And I still feel that today. It helped to fasten me in concrete to where I’m at to not give up.

So, yeah. I’m scared. But I want to give back. I want this to be something that you find of value.

It’s not about how big the audience is for me. It’s how big is the impact.

Thanks for tuning in to the Deeper podcast. I hope that you not only enjoyed the episode, but maybe something new jumped out at you. Hopefully something that changed your perspective and maybe has you thinking a bit more. I’d love to hear from you. If you have comments, show ideas, or questions, please check out the show website at deeperwithred.com. Click on the feedback tab and send a message there. You’ll also find other episodes, related materials, and even ways to show your fan support right there on the website. So we’ll see you there. Until next time, whenever or wherever you can, Go Deeper!

Podcast Episode hosted by Red

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